The long hard road to Alyssa Ann Allen

This post is prompted by my cousin Annalee and my friend Holly. They both did posts recently about their high risk pregnancies/preemies and before I completely lose all memory of my experience with Lulu I'd like to remember what I still can. So, here goes, Sorry in advance for the long post.

March 12, 2005
I made twice baked potatos for the freezer so we would have something to eat after the baby was born. We went to see Robots at Harkins because we wanted to spend time with Jayden OUT of the house before the baby came. I hadn't felt good all day...just no energy and a tummy ache like I ate something bad, but not really a puke feeling either. Jayden started to not feel good either so I put him to bed at 8pm. Justin and I cuddled on the couch and watched TV. All of a sudden it felt like a water balloon had burst between my legs and I walked/ran to the bathroom to find out I was GUSHING blood everywhere!!! I yelled for Justin to call 911 and I just tried to clean myself up quickly. The 911 operator told Justin to make me lay down. So, I'm laying in the bathroom with a T shirt on and NOTHING else in a pool of blood. Then the paramedics showed up and one happened to be my neighbor. (yeah, the neighbor has seen me naked..great huh?) They asked if I could walk and I said "yeah, I'm just shaking cuz I don't know what's going on." They put me on the gurney and Justin and Jayden (who was woken up with the commotion) watched worried while they wheeled me out. Jayden started crying. I tried to tell him it would be ok, but I had too much uncertainty in my voice. I was put in the ambulance and that's when the neighbor told me he was my neighbor and that I had probably met his wife. (we had only lived in our house for about 3 months at this point)
The Ambulance took me to the WEST VALLEY HOSPITAL or Hell, as I like to call it. They took me in and the nurse was being so rude to them. Then she came over to me and said as she ripped my robe open to the WHOLE ER, "an abruption@@#$@$$@ we CAN'T HELP YOU HERE!!!" "a previous "section" we really can't help you here!!!!" I said, "good, I want to go to St. Joeseph's in central Phoenix cuz that's where my doctor is!" She kept being rude until I yelled, "just tell me if my baby is ALIVE!" The neighbor then told her to BE NICE TO ME CUZ I WAS HIS NEIGHBOR and that I was a patient like anyone else and that he HAD TO take me to that location (closest hospital and all). She was mad, but finally quit saying rude stuff. She did come in and put me on the monitors and gave me a cathater (which hurt like the dickens cuz she wasn't being gentle and she had to clean me up quite a bit). Then Justin showed up with a friend from church and gave me a blessing. The stupid nurse walked in in the middle of the blessing and said something else rude to Justin and his friend and they had to start all over. I just rolled my eyes and decided to watch the baby on the monitor. At least her heartbeat was comforting since the blessing was being interrupted. Then before I know it there is a NICE lady coming up to me and asking if I want to go for a ride. I said, "SURE"!!!!! She then wheeled me to the Helicopter and had help to put me inside.
I don't remember much other than being uncomfortable laying on my side on a hard board watching the Phoenix nightlights as we flew to Central Phoenix. It was a 16 mile ride and surprisingly I found it absolutely beautiful! I guess the blessing helped me to chill as well as finding out that the baby was alive and her stats were good.

I got to St. Jospeh's at around 10pm and was immediately put on Magnesium Sulfate...the highest dose. They decided to try to keep me pregnant since the bleeding had apparently stopped. I started to feel REALLY yukky! The nurses were really nice though and helped me to relax by saying how great the baby looked on the monitors and how it was good that I had stopped bleeding. I was given lots of oxygen and of course the mag, plus the steroids to help her lungs develop. And wouldn't you know that I had my first shot at the Hospital of Hell and it was the kind that required an extra dose. There are 2 different ways to give the steroid shots...one is a two round course and the other is a three round course. I had to have the three round course due to that STUPID nurse. These shots HURT like peanut butter is being put in your muscle and it is quite painful. My nurse got me comfortable and then told me to get some rest (yeah right).

About 2 in the morning I couldn't MOVE! Apparently, I'm a lightweight when it comes to drugs and was reacting VERY STRONGLY to the mag. I could barely open my eyes. Justin was sleeping on the FLOOR of the hospital since our friends had Jayden at there house and there wasn't a cot available due to a car accident earlier in the evening. I could barely even say Justin's name. I was so miserable. The nurse came in and rearranged my pillows and helped me rest again by giving me something. Justin had called his parents and my parents of course by this point and my parents were planning on driving in the morning (sunday) all day to come to Phoenix to get Jayden. Justin was unable to take a lot of time off work and I was going to be hospitalized for the remainder of my pregnancy.

The next morning Andrea (my sis), my mom, my dad, Jayden, and Justin came in to see me. Jayden was 3 and was like, "mom, open your eyes". I couldn't even open my eyes because it made me dizzy..the room was SOOOOO blurry and it took effort to even THINK about opening them. My parents said they would take Jayden to Idaho with them so he would have a consistant place to stay because we only had a few friends that we knew of to take Jayden here. They decided to get on the road again so that my dad could work the next day and Andrea could go to school. They left after seeing me for about a 1/2 hour.

The next night was even more painful because the mag was making me so weak. I could barely move at all and it was a conscious effort to even breathe. The respiratory therapist came in and made me feel stupid for not taking DEEP breaths to prevent my lungs from filling with fluid. The mag is a muscle relaxer so my uterus wouldn't contract, but the rest of my body couldn't contract either apparently. My next nurse wasn't as nice and kept telling me I HAD TO MOVE to keep up my mobility! WHAT????? I can barely move and your asking me to move? Anyway, I asked if they could turn down the meds and they eventually were able to because my contractions had slowed down quite a bit. I got my third round of steroids that morning and so both hips were sore at this point. Makes sleeping in those stupid beds so comfy!!!

The next day the mag was taken clear down and I was to try and walk on it. Yeah, fat chance!!! I tried to sit on the commode (they wanted me to take myself to the bathroom) and the nurses were holding me when I said, "the room is spinning and going black" I passed out on the pot!!! Nice huh? They waved some smelly thing under my nose and I came back around. Justin's eyes were huge and he was like, "you with us?" anyway, I didn't have to pee, so they put me back in bed. I was hopeless. They finally took me off the Mag and just monitored contractions without any meds. I did need some tributilane (or however you spell it) once, but other than that, my labor was stopped. The ultrasound tech wasn't able to find where my placenta had detached, we just knew that it had. So, no news was good news I suppose.

The next day I was put back on food and just monitored. I was able to walk at this point and so I started to take myself to the bathroom and I got really good at unhooking the pregnancy monitors and all. I was a PRO! The day after that..which I believe was a friday, they were saying I could go home on STRICT bedrest. So, after a few more ultrasounds and monitoring sessions, they let me go home. I was home for a whopping 24 hours before Justin noticed that after I peed (I went in the dark..and for some reason we don't flush in the middle of the night) there was more blood. So, he took me back to the hospital. I was yelling at him the whole time. "I've been there a week, I've got holes all over my body from needles, and you're taking me back?" "I'm not bleeding now, I know I did bleed some...but so what? I'm done being in that #$%& hospital." Yeah, I was mad!!!!

The hospital said that i probably had some trapped blood from the original abruption but they couldn't be sure, so if it ripped some more we were in for an emergency c-section. I wasn't bleeding, and they couldn't find the tear (big surprise) and so they decided to keep me on hospital bedrest. I complained when my doc came in. My doc is quite the man...LDS, very good looking, and really supportive/sensitive. Anyway, he said, "rochelle, I know you're an "up and at em" kinda gal, but I had a patient who was having a perfect pregnancy and she went to Denny's for a big slam breakfast, had an abruption at 37 weeks and LOST HER BABY CUZ SHE COULDN'T GET TO THE HOSPITAL IN TIME! Her baby died from lack of oxygen due to the placenta detaching so severly." "I don't want that to happen to you, you care too much about this baby...so you're in the hospital till at least 36 weeks if we get that lucky." I wasn't put on any more meds, so the hospital wasn't that bad...I just really missed Jayden and was DYING of boredom. All my rooms were shared, and shared with spanish speaking only occupants. That's the bad thing about when St. Joes gets busy..most rooms are shared. Especially, in the Anti partum unit.

I would call my parents only to end the call crying because Jayden was crying to be with me. I would read, but not very long cuz it got old. Justin would come after work and hang till visting hours were over, but other than that, I had NO ONE COME SEE ME! Then Lilk Williams found out that she was my VT and came to see me. I was so EXCITED! I had only been active in church for about 2 years at this point and was kinda nervous about churchy people coming to visit. Then Brett Harrison and Klein Skousen found out they were my HT and they came..which was great for Justin (I was self conscious in my gown...I was naked under there and all).
Lindsay Jones called to see if I could go VT...but obviously I couldn't. Other than those few folks, I had no visitors. It was so HARD!!!!!!!!!! Justin could take me on wheelchair rides around the hospital. YEAH!!! So, much fun. Actually, you wouldn't believe how much I looked forward to it. Can you believe? Looking forward to a 30 minute wheelchair ride...I felt like blob. My legs did work and all, they just worked my uterus into contracting!

I finally resolved that I was gonna keep this baby in me until 36 weeks...no ifs ands or buts...I was gonna stay preggo!!! Then one tuesday morning (all my kids have been born on tuesdays) I felt so YUKKY!!! I couldn't eat and so I decided to take a shower. It was 11 am. I walked into the shower and just about collapsed. I had to hang onto the wall for support. I was having a MOTHER of a contraction. The water felt nice though...so I stayed in the shower for about 45 minutes. I had 6 contractions in that time frame.
I got out and called Justin. I said, "would you like to have a baby today?" Like it was just another thing to have a baby early. He said, "are you in labor?????" I said, "unfortunatly, I think we're gonna have her today." I was crying, and he was like...I'm 5 minutes away hang on and CALL YOUR NURSE. YEP...I hadn't done that yet! The nurses always talked about how low maintainence I was...I never bothered them at all. Even when I should have.
I went to the bathroom and there was more blood...but not too much. My nurse wasn't REALLY worried. She called my doc and he prescribed more tributilane. It didn't even put a dent in the contractions. I held Justin's hand as contraction after contraction wracked my body. I was so miserable. They weren't as bad as the pitocin contractions I'd had with Jayden...but they still hurt so much. Finally, My doc told the nurses to prep me for a c-section. My friends from our old ward had finally decided to come visit and showed up just as I'm going from my room to the OR. Justin had them run and get a 'funsaver' camera since we hadn't gotten a chance to buy a nice digital yet.
The nurses took me down to the ER. Justin got in his scrubs, and they gave me this nasty stuff to drink to make me puke. It was to make sure my belly was empty before surgery. I puked up nothing...it was gross. Then as I thought the contractions were gonna kill me, my spinal took effect. AHHHH!!!!!!!! The joys of modern medicine. Then I got worried again and Justin and I gripped hands.
Alyssa was born at 6:10pm and let out a HUGE cry. I did as well. They popped her over the curtain and I saw a full head of hair. Jayden was a baldy..where did that come from? I looked over at Justin and said, "WHAT IS HER NAME!" He didn't want me to know that he liked the name I picked. Alyssa Ann Allen!!! They called out her weight...4 lbs 10 ounces and 16 inches. Then everything got really quiet and they were suctioning her out and everything. They let me see her for literally 2 seconds. They rushed her to the NICU where they intubated her immediately cuz she was showing signs on respiratory distress. Justin followed her after I told him to "GO!!!!"
They finished the c-section and wheeled my gurney to the NICU where I was able to see her...except for my bed and her warming area thingy were at perpendicular angles and I could only see her foot. I touched it and she pulled it away. I was SOOO sad!!! My tiny baby and I couldn't even hold her!
I was wheeled to my room and my nurse kept asking if I wanted anything. I just wanted to be alone and to sleep. Justin came into my room and kissed me and told me she was beautiful just like her mom. I told him, "thanks, now shut up and get some rest!" He needed to drive home, sleep, and drive back within 9 hours.
At 1 am, my nurse came in and I drank a whole hospital pitcher of water and then I asked if I could pump. I'd been leaking colostrum for 3 weeks. (I thought that was weird cuz with horses, if they leak...the baby is coming...I guess its not that way with humans, we can leak forever and still have a full term baby.) I pumped and my nurse took the colostrum up to Alyssa. She practically ran back to my room to tell me that Alyssa had pulled her tube out herself and was breathing on her own!!! Yeah!!!!
The next morning, my doc came and helped me into a chair. He pulled off my bandage and I had had an allergic reaction to the adhesive. He prescribed something and then had a huge talk with me about having a baby in the NICU and how that would affect my postpartum recovery/mood swings and all. He was so NICE. I immediately fell in love with him again. He's the best doctor. He was so understanding.
I got to be wheeled up by Justin to go see Alyssa. I was jealous of him because he had already been up there twice that morning and got to help out with stuff. I got to hold her. She was TINY!!!!!!!!!!! I can't explain how tiny she seemed in my arms. I cried again!!! I felt so guilty about not staying pregnant with her. She had tubes in her head for an IV and monitor wires EVERYWHERE!! It was so intimidating.
I was able to walk up to see her later that afternoon. Then Justin went home that evening to sleep. I woke up early the next morning and decided to make my way up to the NICU on my own. I did well. I got up there and was able to hold her until I felt the blood go out of my face. Alyssa's nurse SNATCHED her from me and told me to go lay down. Great...how do I get down 2 flights and back to my room without passing out??? Amazingly, I made it and vowed to myself not to tell Justin I almost passed out while holding our preemie.
His parents called and I asked them to come visit for Justin's sake. My mom was planning on coming to Phoenix to help me recover from the Csection...so Jayden was on his way home. I was released on friday and Jayden came home friday afternoon. I was exhausted...but I wasn't going to let that stop me. After all...a c-section is no big deal right? I hung out with the inlaws all weekend. We went to the hospital and spent time at their hotel swimming (with me redoing my toenails that had been ignored on hospital bedrest).
Well, I paid for it every night when I went to bed...my incision was BURNING!!! I had overdone it. I promised myself to relax a bit more the next few days. Yeah right!!!
The inlaws went back to Utah. My mom stayed, but Jayden was acting up. He wanted his mom back for good. He wanted picked up...he wanted me to bathe him, buckle him, EVERYTHING!!! I cried!!! I coudln't even take care of my little boy!
The next weeks were spent with me trying to find a sitter for Jayden while I took milk to Alyssa. My mom had to drive me to the hospital and Jayden couldn't be in the NICU for more than 15 minutes. Plus, the lactation lady wanted to help me with Alyssa and a plan to successfully breastfeed.
After 6 days Alyssa was moved from the NICU to the intermediate NICU where babies get ready to go home. Unforunately, many babies sit in this "intermediate NICU" for many, many weeks. This was my baby. She stayed for 3 weeks in the intermediate care. She could maintain her body temp and eat, but not enough to go home.
It was hard. I was exhausted from getting up every three hours to pump, dealing with needy Jayden, driving to the NICU, driving to go pick up Jayden, and trying to just survive the postpartum period. I wanted to just hibernate and wake up from the bad dream. I was torn. Jayden needed me...but I wanted to be next to this tiny little baby that was my daughter. I felt NO bond to her at all and that caused a lot of guilt. I was finally able to drive myself...but then my family was torn because one of us was either with Alyssa or Jayden. We couldn't be available for both kids no matter what we did!!! The nurses were really understanding and told us to take care of Jayden most importantly. They ran things pretty well, except for a few times that I went to nurse her and she had already been fed because they didn't pass along the info that I was on my way.
Alyssa wasn't able to nurse, the lactation people tried, but she was just too weak for a long time. The one lactation lady was a big help and made me realize that it could be done..just on Alyssa's timetable. Some nurses didn't seem to like the fact that I wanted to nurse. They wanted my breastmilk, but they didn't want me to interrupt their schedule by latching my baby to myself.
Finally on April 23, Alyssa was able to come home. She weighed 5lbs 2 ounces and had mananged to keep her stats. I was to pump milk, try to nurse her, then follow up with a bottle to make sure she got enough. She needed to have so many CCs in so many minutes. It was crazy. Jayden was settling down though because Grandma had gone back to Idaho and I was 4 weeks out of the c-section. Still, the adjustment to having an early baby was difficult at best. I wanted to be a good mom to Jayden, but this tiny thing required so much effort to feed. I was sure I wasn't doing it right!!! I asked Justin for another blessing and then things seemed to get better. Alyssa slept plenty and Jayden and I played till her next feeding. He loved the breastpump and thought it was great to see me fill the bottles up.
Alyssa starting gaining weight and was getting rave reviews by our pediatrician. Finally, things were heading back to normalicy. Then Alyssa quit nursing on me. The pediatrician told me to quit giving her bottles till she nursed ("she's big enough now"). It WORKED!!!!!!!!!!! Alyssa nursed like a pro at her next feeding and never liked a bottle again!
She had gotten the Synagis RSV medication, but I still wasn't supposed to take her anywhere. That was rough with Jayden needing to expel energy! I finally decided that if we played soccer in the backyard with the baby monitor on that I could kinda wear him out. Jayden did well with the adjustment to big brother. One day when I was crying that I couldn't find a sitter for him and go see Alyssa in the NICU, he said, "Mom, you just need to UNPLUG that baby and bring her home." Then he also said, "I can't wait till that baby can crawl around with me." He was soooo cute and so understanding.
It was June before we started taking Alyssa anywhere! I had a rough time staying in and so did Jayden, but it was getting hot...so what else was there? We mostly just spent time playing together because Alyssa was always sleeping. Slowly, life began to just flow. Jayden did well and so did Alyssa. Justin got promoted and we found out that we weren't going to have to pay a dime for Alyssa's hospital stay or mine for that matter. Great news!!!!!
Well, that brings us to Alyssa's babyhood, which for the most part was normal. She got sick a little more than a full term baby, but we seemed to handle it well. It was hard to think of her in "adjusted age" terms. I hated answering the "how old is your baby?" question because if I told them her actual age the response was a shocked "SHE IS TINY!!!!!!!!" That always made me feel so guilty and so I felt like I had to say "she was EARLY"! So, I finally started just telling strangers her adjusted age and that always ended the questioning.
She is an amazing little girl and has always been easygoing, yet fiesty when she needs to be. Her personality helped her survive her early start. WE LOVE YOU LULU!!!!!!!!!!!